Monday, July 30, 2012

Insanity

I heard once that the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over again with no results. I must be insane, but probably more of a creature of habit. The familiar is not scary, but comfortable. And I like being comfortable. I don't do change well at all, but over the years and three children later you eventually begin to learn that change is okay. I have ben stuck in the comfortable and familiar for too long. I was challenged by two friends today. One named Kimberly and the other Angela. I woke up this morning and found a Facebook message from my friend Angela encouraging me to come to a Zumba class. Zumba. What?? No way, I don't wiggle like that, but I was determined to go. I told myself it is okay to try something new and besides Angela is fun to work out with. She is happy and smiling all the time and I love people like that. So off I went to wiggle and jiggle. To my surprise it was quite fun when you let loose and enjoy yourself. I felt like the wii commercial on tv where the lady was dripping sweat everywhere. It was fun and I will go back to wiggle off these pounds and to workout with Angela. The Zumba instructor just happens to be a friend of mine too. Kimberly makes all her classes fun. I giggled and learned so much. And yes, I Christi McInnis had fun in Zumba. After the class Kimberly and I walked out together just talking and she suggested I try a free on line Weightloss support called fitness pal. It counts calories, tracks your intake, exercise, and basically did everything weight watchers was doing but for free. I must have been insane to consider it. After all weight watchers has been my friend for years. It was a friend I refused to listened to and participate with yet oddly enough received my faithful monthly contribution in the hopes that one day e weight would come off. So today, I said fairwell to an old friend to start a new beginning with my pal called Mr. fitness. I still can't believe I took the step to move on to a new beginning, but I did. The funny thing is that I have been hearing God ask this of me. He knows I need change and am hard to reach in the area of health and temple care. But I thank Him for placing people in my life like Angela and Kimberly to help and encourage. They both are being used by God to get to me and I love that. If you are still enough to listen, God speaks in many different ways. Thanks God for using my friends to encourage change.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

My Weightloss Journey...I don't crave carrots

I am fat. Sounds harsh right. But, it is the truth. I am 110 pounds over weight weighing in at whopping 250 pounds. Wow! That is hard for me to imagine let alone say out loud to the public. I have heard my whole life you are just big boned or proportioned well that you hide your weight perfectly. Sorry folks, big butts and large breasts may proportion me, but I am still fat. I know, don't talk about yourself that way you are insulting God's creation. I know God made me, but in all reality I have insulted Him because I have not taken care of my temple. He (God) has told me multiple times to take care of my body and I have resisted. Thank Goodness for Jesus, his forgiveness and his daily new mercies. Because of Christ, God sees me as I should be and not as I am. I am the same Christi just fluffy. I don't crave carrots. I like them but it is not my go to food. I love all things sweet, chocolate, cold, frozen, or in the saturated fat variety. I love to eat whenever, wherever,and with anyone. I eat happy or sad. I eat at family functions and dinner dates, parties, no parties. You name it, I can always find an occasion to eat. My thoughts constantly revolve around food. What is for breakfast, snack,lunch, snack, dinners, snack and having three growing boys that are constantly eating doesn't help. I eat when Mike is late from work, I eat when the boys fight, I eat when someone speaks to me funny, I eat when the kids fight cry bathe don't bathe, I eat. You get the picture. Why can't she change you ask? I can change. I know exactly how to loose weight. I have knowledge of every program and book out there. I am just rebellious and stubborn. Truth is I was made for more than this vicious cycle of eating. I have been reading a book called Made to Crave by Lysa Terkhurst. I was Made to Crave God more than food. It has been eye opening the second time around. I have just finished the chapter on triggers. I use to think triggers were food, but clearly mine are emotional. I eat when all of the above happen. I turn to food to deal with life instead of God. If I craved God as much or more than I crave food, then there would not be an issue to begin with. My outward physical appearance is indication that something inwardly has to change. And change is the road I am on. My health is at risk and my body is showing multiple health problems from depression, high blood pressure and cholesterol. I have also developed a kidney stone due to 6 diet dr. Peppers a day. I am sharing this journey with you because I am not alone. I am real about the struggles I face and would love to share this journey with you as I watch how God delivers me from this as I crave and trust Him more.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Back to His old self

Sickness has plagued the McInnis house for a couple of weeks now.  Starting with Andrew, then Nathan, then Matthew, Mommy, and now it has conquered daddy.  Needless to say it has been a rough week. 

Monday rolled around just like any other day except I could not function.  I was doing my best to keep everyone happy, well fed, and taken care of while coughing my head off, blowing my noise, and talking without a voice.  It was quite the day.  I continued with my normal routine including picking up daddy after school for our Monday dinners and Bible Study Fellowship.  He picked up pretty quickly that I was not feeling well.  He offered to take the boys out of the car just to help me.  As we walked into the house, I noticed that he was fingering through his wallet.  I asked him what he was doing and he said he was looking for some money to buy us pizza for dinner because he did not want me to have to cook.  I cooked anyway only to find that he got up from the table and began to clean the kitchen for me.  He even offered to bath Matthew for me.  It was precious to me.  My daddy was taking care of me.  For one brief moment it was the daddy that I knew.  Not the one with Alzheimers.  The alzheimer's patient that I know does not think of others.  He is not cognitively able to.  He sort of  sticks to what he know like eating and playing video games or playing with the kids.  Not helping.  Sometimes he thinks he helps but he doesn't.  For one fleeting beautiful moment I had him back and it was precious to me.  It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. 

It reminds me of how our heavenl Father takes care of us.  God gives us what we need exactly when we need it.  He is never early or late, but always on time.  Just when we think that we are at the end of ourself is when God's best work begins.  To be honest Monday may have been a day of physical weakness for me, but it will be a day that I cherish for the rest of my life because for one fleeting moment my daddy was back to his old self. 

Thank You God for allowing me to see that!!!!

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Through the Eyes of Daddy

Do you ever stop and consider the things we take for granted?  When we wake up we assume our eyes will open and we will be able to see.  For some of us, we climb out of bed and think nothing of being able to stand on our own feet.  Our bodies seemlessly move through our normal routines and  the ebb and flow of life take over and we just function as a living, breathing, moving, walking, talking, driving,hearing,  eating, thinking, emotional human beings. 

When I think about Alzheimer's, I see a disease that has taken control over my dad's memory, but it hasn't taken my dad yet.  A friend of mine told me yesterday that daddy is still my memory even when I am not his.  I liked that.  You take for granted how this terrible disease robs you of your memories, overlaps old ones, and today I discovered as I was driving daddy to Mission Arlington, that this disease can be refreshing when it comes to fading memories as well.  Refreshing as a new little one discovers his hands for the first time.  Refreshing as discovering the beauty of a flower or in my case worms or bugs.

I tried today to keep daddy's routine as normal as possible.  He told me on Tuesday when I picked him up that he had not gotten to get his donuts like he always does on his way to Mission Arlington. So today I made it our first stop.  Of course we carried on the same repeated conversation.  I endulge because it means so much to me to just talk to him.  We were driving along and were stopped at Bowen and I-20.  Daddy said to me, " I should have had you go to Cooper Street."  I said, "I will be happy to go down that street just let me make a turn."  He said, "you know there is no right turn on red anymore."  I don't really know where that one comes from or even if it is true, but I indulged the conversation.  He then told me that Cooper Street had six lanes now and it was so much faster to go down Cooper than Bowen.  I initially thought to myself that Cooper has had six lanes for sometime now, but to him it was a new discovery so we were off.  What is old to me is brand new to him along with the turn lanes that are everywhere so we can make right and left turns to keep the traffic moving.  Again old to me, new to him.  So do I fight it and say daddy it has always been here or do I embrace it.  I am embracing every moment of my time with him and will make him feel as though it is brand new. 

My view of this disease is so different.  I do believe with all of my heart that God had this planned for him.  Because of this, I have great peace knowing that Daddy will be taken care of in heaven.  One scripture I love and I will end with this comes from 2 Corinthian Ch 4:16-18.  Therefore do not loose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are acheiving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.  I am a little jealous he is going to get to discover eternity before me, but I know that one day I will be there with him and it will be as though we haven't missed a day.

I love looking at life through the eyes of my dad.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Buzz Cut Light Year

Andrew started pulling out his hair again after he started back to school.  We really do believe it is a coping mechanism that he does for comfort often brought on by lots of changes in his life.  When did it begin?  When he started Kindergarten.  That was a huge change for him, not to mention having to share a room with his brother, and having a sibling on the way.  He has alwasy been a very tactile kid.  Touch is a way to soothe him.  He actually grew it all back over the summer so when he started pulling again, we tried to nip it in the bud quickly. His teacher and counselor at his school have been wonderful in helping and giving great tips on how to take this bad habit and create a way around it. So we decided that we needed to give him a buzz cut.  We talked about this new positive exciting new haircut.  We even in the middle of cutting it, asked if he could see what it would be like to have a mohawk.  We got pictures.  After it was all said and done, the first words out of his mouth were I wonder what my friend Kiana at school is going to think.  I had a huge knot in my stomach from all of this, but he embraced all of this so well.  The next morning I took him to school and all of his classmates greeted him with a smile and a pet of the new hair.  I love the innocence and acceptance of young ones.  They immediately put my mind at ease about unnecessary teasing.  We now call him Buzz Cut Lightyear and he loves it.  He pets his hair now because it is too short to pull.  Praise God this blocking technique has helped. 

The hair pulling reminds me of how God knows the very numbers of hair we have on our head.  I like that.  Even though some are missing, God is still in control.  He will see this little guy through this.  I am trusting and claiming that.   

Overlapping Memories

The funny thing about Alzheimer's is sometimes the memories you have are not really your memories.  Dad and I were having a conversation today about baseball.  He was asking if Andrew  was every going to play.  I told him that he might someday, but he is more interested in playing the drums and soccer.  After a few minutes, dad was recalling a memory of his childhood when he played baseball.  He told me that he got hit with a baseball pretty hard and it shattered his orbital lobe.  Unfortunately, that was something that happened to my brother in high school.  His memories are beginning to overlap with all our life experiences.  He makes them his own.  It is fun to listen to him talk even though sometimes he doesn't make sense.  My favorite conversations are about nothing.  It goes a little something like this.  He Chris. Yes dad. Do you remember that you know.  Oh yes daddy, I do remember it like it was yesterday.  We had such a great time, on the you know, I can't think of the word.  Oh yes daddy I know what you are talking about.  It brings him joy and makes me smile.  The best part is I know that God is in control and He knows every thought and word both spoken and unspoken, thought or no thought, jumbled memory or clear thinking.  God is my example of unconditional love, and so it make it easy during the memory mess. 

Thank you God for my earthly Father!!

Friday, September 17, 2010

Trip to the Deer Lease

When my dad worked for a company called Lone Star Gas, they either owned a deer lease or knew someone who did.  Anyway, I remember going with him to this deer lease one time.  I cannot remember the reason we went because I really did not care to be hunting Bambi, but I went with him anyway to check on something.  I remember walking through the woods and stumbling across what  was quite possibly the biggest spider web and spider that I had ever seen in my life.  I must have been 6 or 8.  I remember having a great time with my dad.  What I also remember was a very scary ride home. 

At that time our family owned a blue Toyota station wagon manual transmission.  It was fun to get to sit in the front seat and get to shift the car in gear while dad pushed the clutch.   However on our way home the clutch went out.  We could not shift out of third gear.  I remember it becoming a game and laughter filled the car, as well as fear,  as we would creep into  little towns and slow down praying that the lights would stay green so we would not have to stop.  Stopping meant not being able to get home.

I just remember being safe with my dad.  Having him there meant no matter what it was all going to be okay.  Maybe that is why I chose to marry someone who was like my dad.  I did not realize it at the time since Mike and I have been together since Junior high, but Mike makes me feel safe and taken care of.  Even in times of fear, Mike brings out the laughter and love that I have always felt with my dad.   I feel protected, safe, encouraged, and very, very loved. 

However, when I reflect upon these two men I cannot help but think about my heavenly Father.  He is my joy, my laughter, my comforter.  He is safe to me.  He is there beside me while I coast and pray for the lights to stay green.  I find great comfort knowing that God is in control, and the day that my dad's clutch finally goes out, I know He will be truely Home.